When Positivity Feels Overwhelming
Disclaimer:
Do you often feel surrounded by positivity that doesn’t resonate with you? Do people around you seem endlessly cheerful or hopeful while you’re struggling just to get through the day? Then this post is for you (and I have been there and most likely will be there at some point in the future). If you’re someone who tends to radiate optimism yourself, this may not speak as directly to you. And, that’s okay.
The Weight of Positivity
In a recent conversation about “thriving,” someone voiced what many of us quietly feel: “It’s hard to think about thriving when I’m barely surviving.” That comment cut to the truth. When burnout, depression, or constant anxiety weigh you down, talk of “well-being” or “joy” can feel hollow, even impossible. And when we add in the harsh realities of political turmoil, societal disruptions, and the growing threats to higher education, it’s no wonder that positivity sometimes feels out of reach… or even out of place.
What Makes Positivity Hard to Take
Positivity is often meant as encouragement, but it can come across as dismissive if it skips over pain. When you’re already struggling, well-meaning words like “look on the bright side” or “everything happens for a reason” can sting. Instead of comfort, they can feel like someone is refusing to see the depth of your reality. It’s a mismatch. A flashlight in your eyes when all you needed was someone to sit with you in the dark.
This is what people mean when they talk about toxic positivity. It’s not just optimism; it’s optimism that denies what hurts, silences the struggle, or demands that you move on before you’re ready.
What Healthy Positivity Looks Like
Not all positivity is toxic. The kind that truly helps is grounded, mindful, and sincere. It doesn’t erase your pain; it acknowledges it and offers something small but real:
reframing challenges while still naming them
noticing moments of gratitude without pretending everything is fine
offering a smile or humor that lightens the load without minimizing it
showing up with presence rather than platitudes.
This type of positivity isn’t about forcing happiness. It’s about connection. Carrying a small candlelight that makes the dark places just a little brighter.
Why Others Seem Happier and How You Can Move Toward More Positivity
Part of the answer lies in individual differences in affectivity. Psychologists talk about positive affectivity, a tendency to experience more frequent joy, energy, and hope, and negative affectivity, a tendency to experience more worry, sadness, or irritation. These are not choices so much as natural leanings. They shape how we experience life’s ups and downs, and why some people seem to “bounce back” more quickly while others feel weighed down.
There are also real differences in people’s circumstances. Some have more financial stability, supportive relationships, secure jobs, or good health. Others face systemic inequities, caregiving burdens, discrimination, or chronic stressors that make optimism harder to access. These realities matter. It is not simply about mindset or personality; structural and situational factors deeply shape how much light or heaviness we carry.
Still, psychology suggests there are small practices that can make a difference, even when circumstances cannot change overnight. If you tend to get caught in reflection and self-criticism, it may help to practice locomotion, which means taking action even before you feel fully ready. That might look like reaching out to someone you trust, starting a task instead of overthinking it, or stepping outside for fresh air. Movement can create small openings for relief and possibility.
Research also shows that acting in kindness toward others helps you. An act of kindness could be as simple as checking in on a friend, offering a word of encouragement to a student who’s struggling with coursework, sharing a box of chocolate with a colleague whose paper just got rejected, or surprising a neighbor with a fresh bouquet of garden flowers. Small acts of kindness don’t just benefit others. They can lift your mood and strengthen your own sense of purpose and connection, even in difficult times.
Nurture your sense of agency by attending to what is within your hands, while gently and freely setting aside what is not.
What to Do With All This
If positivity feels overwhelming, here are a few gentle reminders:
You don’t need to accept every expression of cheer as truth for yourself.
You’re allowed to want listening more than fixing, presence more than pep talks.
You can set boundaries; sometimes it’s okay to step back when others’ positivity feels like too much.
You can also experiment with small, grounded practices of your own: finding moments of meaning, gratitude, or connection that feel authentic, not forced.
A Closing Reflection
Positivity is not the measure of your worth, nor the proof of your resilience. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to name the heaviness and still get through the day.
And maybe sincere positivity, at its best, is not about being endlessly cheerful. It’s about someone choosing to sit with you, acknowledging the hard stuff, and quietly offering what little light they can. Not enough to blind you, but enough to remind you that you’re not alone.
Recommended Readings:
Di Santo, D., Baldner, C., Aiello, A., Kruglanski, A. W., & Pierro, A. (2021). The hopeful dimension of locomotion orientation: Implications for psychological well-being. The Journal of Social Psychology, 161(2), 233–244. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2020.1803786
Kruglanski, A. W., Thompson, E. P., Higgins, E. T., Atash, M. N., Pierro, A., Shah, J. Y., & Spiegel, S. (2000). To “do the right thing” or to “just do it”: Locomotion and assessment as distinct self-regulatory imperatives. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(5), 793–815. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.79.5.793