The Hallmarks of Humility: Being vs. Appearing
Several years ago, I had a one-on-one meeting with a big-name social psychologist visiting Purdue. He sat down across from me, pulled out his phone, and didn’t even bother with a hello. For the next thirty minutes, his eyes never left the screen. He looked up once—only because I pointed to something on the computer monitor—and then went right back to scrolling. When our time was up, he walked out. No thank you. No goodbye.
I remember sitting there, completely floored. What just happened? Did I say something wrong? Was I somehow offensive? Or was he simply one of those self-important types who didn’t care about people with no power?
Then later that day, I watched him give a talk. And wouldn’t you know it… he was brilliant, charming, gracious. He lavished praise on colleagues in the audience, talked about how inspired he was by their work, and people ate it up. He looked, to everyone else, like the very definition of humble. Meanwhile, I sat there seething. How dare he treat me like I was invisible? Just because I was young, female, and international didn’t mean I deserved to be dismissed. In my head, I called him every name I could think of.
For a long time, I carried that bitterness with me. Honestly, part of me still does. But with distance, I can see that experience gave me two unexpected gifts. First, it sharpened my sensitivity. I never want someone to walk away from me feeling small or dismissed. And second, as I work on cultivating humility in my own life, I realize it also calls me to practice humility toward people who have wronged me. Not easy. Not neat. But real.
And yet, that memory still leaves me with a question that lingers: What is true humility? How do we tell the difference between someone being humble, and someone who only knows how to look humble?
What Humility Really Is
Humility is often misunderstood. Some people hear the word and think it means weakness, lack of confidence, or making yourself small. Others treat it as a performance: looking humble without really being humble. But genuine humility runs much deeper than that.
Psychologists Chancellor and Lyubomirsky (2013) identify five hallmarks that capture humility in action: (1) A secure, accepting identity; (2) Freedom from distortion; (3) Openness to new information; (4) Other-focus; (5) Egalitarian beliefs. These hallmarks help us tell humility apart from its imposters: narcissism on one end and low self-esteem on the other. Real humility is neither inflated nor deflated. It’s balanced, grounded, and authentic.
When I think about these hallmarks, I realize how often I slip into the trap of trying to look humble instead of simply being humble. In those moments, I lean on three little statements I recite to myself whenever the urge to polish my image or protect my ego sneaks in.
#1: I am Just as Worthy as Everyone Else
Not more. Not less.
True humility, whether you’re looking inward or showing up in relationships, isn’t about downplaying your value. It’s about recognizing that your dignity stands equal with everyone else’s. Brené Brown puts it best: “Don’t shrink, don’t puff up. Stand your sacred ground.” In other words, you don’t have to pretend to be smaller or bigger than you really are. Authenticity comes from knowing who you are and standing there with steadiness. Yet, even that alone doesn’t fully capture what makes someone genuinely humble.
#2: I Can Be Wrong
You don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, you can’t.
Humility means acknowledging blind spots, being willing to learn from others, and admitting when you’re wrong. Paradoxically, the more comfortable we are saying “I don’t know,” the more trusted and respected we often become. Curiosity, not certainty, is what keeps us growing.
#3: It’s Not About Me
When someone criticizes your work, your ideas, or even your mannerisms, it’s easy to take it personally. But humility offers a different perspective: it’s not about you.
Humility is remembering that your truest identity isn’t tied to your achievements or to the way others size you up. Those things matter, but they don’t define you—and humility is what lets you hold them at arm’s length. It’s not about putting yourself down; it’s about loosening the grip of self-absorption. It’s the freedom to stop keeping score of where you stand — whether you’re ahead or behind — and to release the need to build your own little empire. Instead, your gaze shifts outward. In that self-forgetfulness, you stop casting yourself as the main character in every exchange. You can listen with more presence, notice with more clarity, and respond with generosity instead of defensiveness.
This echoes the heart of agape love: selfless, unconditional love that seeks the good of others. Agape doesn’t demand recognition or validation. It frees us to show up generously, to serve, and to let go of ego-driven concerns.
Two Types of Humility and Agape Love
Not all humility looks the same. Weidman and colleagues (2018) describe two distinct types:
Appreciative humility: rooted in gratitude and respect, where you recognize your own strengths but also appreciate the value others bring.
Self-abasing humility: rooted in self-doubt or shame, where you downplay yourself and assume others are always more worthy.
Agape love aligns with appreciative humility. It empowers us to celebrate both our gifts and the gifts of others without comparison. Self-abasing humility, by contrast, diminishes both love and connection.
At its core, humility is about authenticity. It’s not about appearing modest or pretending to be less than you are. It’s about holding a secure identity, facing reality honestly, learning with openness, focusing on others, and treating everyone as equals.
And when humility is paired with agape love, it becomes not just a posture of self-awareness but a practice of self-giving. We stop worrying so much about how we appear and start paying attention to what really matters…. serving, connecting, and growing. Together. In that shift, we discover not only peace, but also a surprising strength rooted in love.
Recommended Readings:
Chancellor, J., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Humble beginnings: Current trends, state perspectives, and hallmarks of humility. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7(11), 819–833. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12069
Weidman, A. C., Cheng, J. T., & Tracy, J. L. (2018). The psychological structure of humility. Journal of personality and social psychology, 114(1), 153–178. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000112